I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
