and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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