Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
