I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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