just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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