Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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