I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize