dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize