i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
