3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
