I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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