you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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