Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
