put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
