apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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