You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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