Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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