someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
