STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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