Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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