i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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