I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize