so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
