I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
