I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
