i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
