Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Randomize
