Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
