My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
