I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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