Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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