Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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