That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
