the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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