I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
