he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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