Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
