Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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