Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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