Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
