I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Blood and glitter go together right?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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