I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
