Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Randomize
