Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
