She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
