well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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