Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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