ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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