The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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