sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
