I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
