I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
