just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
