Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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