I'm drive I can fine osifer
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
