Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
