I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
