Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
